Relationship Math

Any relationship where there is a struggle to get “what I want” and for the other to get “what they want” creates a lot of suffering and lack. In fact, it is much easier to meet my own needs rather than to try to meet your needs so you can meet my needs. Not only does this exchange of needs create a “middle man” (middle woman?) and the accompanying loss of efficiency, but we also have to be monitoring and negotiating the exchange rate of the needs that I am meeting for you and the needs you are meeting for me. See how complicated this is already? This approach tends to create a lot of conversation about fairness with the accompanying feelings of disappointment and anger.

When I see myself as the source for meeting my own needs, and I put my leftover resources toward the overlap of both of our needs, or better yet, our wants for the relationship, the benefit of contributing to something we both want doubles the abundance of each person’s want (want-for-us).

In a mundane example, let’s say that I like to eat in because homemade food feels more nourishing and nurturing for me. You like to eat out because it feels more relaxing and provides you with more free time and more choices about what you eat. As a compromise, we could decide to agree that ½ of the time I eat out with you and ½ of the time you eat in with me, but now I am only getting home made food ½ of the time that I would if I was alone and you are only getting to eat out ½ of the time that you would on your own. Our compromises are now costing us individually, and we might start to resent one another.

In this case, maybe we agree that we each should eat just what we want, whenever we want, and that we won’t take it personally. I may still go out with you, or you may still eat in with me, but we will know that we owe the other nothing for it because we are freely choosing it. We are each taking responsibility for meeting our own needs which allows each of us to choose rather than fulfill an obligation or agreement. If having meals together is a priority in our relationship, we could also come up with less compromising solutions that honor the want we have together.

In another example, let’s say we both like art so with our extra energy and money we create and purchase art. Since we both like it, we have now doubled the amount of resources going into art, art x 2=more art. Now, because I am in a relationship with another art lover, I have twice as much art in my life than if I am alone. The exciting aspect of any relationship is to find your areas of overlap because you get a two-for-one deal.

Let’s say in the second example that we replace art with love, we both happen to be lovers of love and commit extra resources beyond meeting our own needs to amplifying the love in the relationship. What would that be like? How could you do that? Love x 2=more love.

(I know that these examples may have some holes in them, but they are here to show you the math and to illustrate the power of being the source of fulfillment for our own needs.)

What if we apply this math to a business?

Creativity x (?) = abundant creativity = what in your business?

Service x (?) = increased service = what in your business?

Happiness x (?) = more happiness = what in your business?

Efficiency x (?) = accelerated efficiency = what in your business?